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Meeting AFP in Dallas [Nov. 22nd, 2010|04:18 am]
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I had to share my story of meeting Amanda Fucking Palmer in Dallas. It's put under a cut because it is ridiculously long and heartfelt.

    Meeting Amanda Fucking Palmer.

How do you describe the indescribable without sounding like a rambling idiot? I’ve been thinking about just how to write this for the last two days and two nights. Each time I go over the thoughts aloud or to myself I feel like I am incapable of really capturing the sensations and emotions in words.

It’s incredible, really. The Dallas show at the Granada Theatre was my first Dolls show, my first ‘AFP’ show. I found the experience to be so surreal and phenomenal and aggggghhhh, I could write a book about that show. UMF. Just…UMF.

Before I continue, I have to say this:




Don’t tell me that you have a final due. Fail it.

Don’t tell me that you have a job. Quit it.

Everything like classes or jobs can be re-done or found again.

This can’t.

Go see them. Fly, drive, take a bus, WALK, empty your bank account and do it. I don’t care if it means that you have to live in a cardboard box in the middle of winter, the memory of the show will keep you warm.

Here are the tour dates in case you don’t know: ->




Where was I? Oh yes, meeting AMANDA FUCKING PALMER. I have been an AFP/DOLLS fan for years and years now. I have never had the chance to see them live before now. I live in Arizona, and for some reason the Dolls or just AFP herself never, ever, ever go to Arizona.

They will go to Nevada, California, Texas, but Arizona is untouched. AGH. So I drove to Dallas. It was the easiest decision in the world, really. It was utterly worth it.

As a huge Dolls/AFP fan, I’ve seen her everywhere. I’m not trying to show off when I say this but I have all the DVD’s. Some signed. All the albums, a few shirts, a button, posters, some signed things thanks to the awesome fucking webcast auctions and pre-ordering. But seeing her on a screen and SEEING her are two separate things.

When I first saw her in person, on that stage, I was hit with an overwhelming sense of ‘She’s real. She’s REAL’ Of course I knew that she was real, that she really exists but…something about seeing her in the flesh solidified it for me. Like all this time part of my mind believed I was delusional and playing tricks on myself.

It’s real. She’s real, and she’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

God I’m shocked I didn’t just die on the spot.

It’s the same face as the one on the screen, singing the same songs I’ve seen sung with the same passion and it’s all undeniably AFP but at the same time it’s something different, something better, it’s the same but it’s not.

Haha, see? I become a rambling idiot trying to describe it.

Anyway, when it comes to meeting Amanda Fucking Palmer, well…it’s something I’ve imagined a million times. I feel I could talk to her for hours, share things with her that I wouldn’t share with anyone else simply because they wouldn’t GET IT and she WOULD.

I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to tell her that I could SWEAR she reached into my soul and pulled the lyrics of “Ampersand” out. I wanted to tell her that she knows me better then anyone without even knowing me. I really wanted to tell her that I was the second place winner of the belly pageant for “Most colorful belly” (LOVELOVELOVE  AND BADLY DRAWN RAINBOWS :D )

 I wanted to apologize for taking a few pictures during the show; I was worried that my camera was too bright.

I wanted to tell her that I’m happy I didn’t record the show and that I only took maybe 10 pictures because I remembered how she said during a webcast that she didn’t like it when people recorded her because it felt like she was performing to the camera instead of the person. She was completely right. While taking a picture I felt as though I was just looking at her through a screen again, and that’s not what I came to do.

Millions of questions and requests and everything swirled through my head. Before I left my house I looked through all my things to see what I wanted her to sign. I brought my Dolls CD’s and my WKAP CD and I put it all neatly in a zip bag and fully intended to ask her to sign them and maybe my WKAP jacket and Dresden Dolls shirt that I wore to the show.

After the show people completely clamored to leave. A man who I had been talking to, hugging and hell even flirting with during the show (it’s a dolls show, flirting is required) said that he wanted to stay behind to talk to her, but he didn’t.

Amanda didn’t come out right away, and I’m not sure if people just didn’t care about meeting her or if they honestly believed she wasn’t going to come out, but they all just…LEFT.

Of course a good chunk stayed behind, and while I was waiting I stayed in the girl’s bathroom, taking a load off of my feet and chatting with the hot chicks.

(btw, everyone at the Dolls show was hot. Seriously. Boys or Girls, I’d go either way. UMF.)

I honestly don’t understand how anyone could leave without meeting her. Really, did they actually believe that she wouldn’t come out to meet her fans? One person I met there said, “I don’t think she’s coming out. You should head back to your hotel” And just a bit dejected, I considered it for a moment before saying “No. Something doesn’t feel right. She’s coming.”

And after a little while of waiting in the girl’s bathroom, I opened the door and checked for her in the lobby…and there she was.

Now I had been relatively close to the stage, second row, right in the middle, right the way she was facing (YESSSS) but this was different. Now she was 5 feet in front of me.

I waited at the side of the line, solely because there were too many people and to get behind them all would’ve been a pain. I fully intended to wait until the very last to get my turn. I didn’t mind waiting. I was in awe. Just watching her (as creepy as that sounds) was enough for me.

And just watching her, I understood. I’ve read all the blogs, heard her talk about connection, about how she loves her fans and keeps in touch with them…But seeing it makes her words seem completely modest.

While I watched and waited there was a lovely young lady talking to her, I couldn’t hear but at once she lifted her skirt a bit and showed Amanda a pair of tattoo’s right above her knee. One of which was AFP’s signature, the other was something I couldn’t quite recognize from my distance.

Amanda immediately went down on her knees, her fingertips brushing lightly over the tattoo’s her face and eyes shining, glowing. She seemed as though she was lost in a mixture of awe, bliss, and love. After a moment she stood and hugged the girl, kissed her cheek, smiled at her and brushed her fingers along her cheek.

I understood then that Amanda feels the same way we do. She was awed and humbled. I could tell, she felt she could talk to us for hours, too. Like she wanted to hold us all to her bosom, shrink us and put is in her pocket to have with her always.

To us, she’s the most amazing thing in the world. To her? We are the most precious. I honestly believe that.

The amount of love she showed and felt for the fans was overwhelming, and it wasn’t even my turn yet.

I happily let people cut in front of me. I just wanted to watch her for a little while; I wanted time to understand what I was feeling, or try to. I like to pride myself on being mature, maybe even wise. But in her presence I felt for the first time in a long time, like a child.

And when I say child, I mean like a 4 year old, standing behind a counter at mommy’s skirt, struggling to stand on her tippy toes to see what’s going on.

I felt for the first time that I was being my true self, just standing there quietly and watching, and I was worried. I was scared that the person I am inside was some terrible beast, and I’d do something cruel or stupid or rude to make her look at me like I was a bad person. Maybe it’s ridiculous, but it’s how I felt, and I had not fully been able to slap that fear out of myself before it was my turn.

I told the girl in front of me to please, go ahead. But she insisted. And suddenly Amanda Fucking Palmer was there, right in front of me and making eye contact. I’m so proud of myself for not squealing, and not freezing.

I held my ziplog bag with her albums in my hand and I said to her “Amanda, I have all these for you to sign but…I don’t need you to sign them.”

I’m pretty sure those were my words, it (and this line is SO cliché but) it all happened so fucking fast.

This was something I had been planning the second I saw that the dolls were touring again. I am 18 years old, a baby in comparison to Amanda, and I’m not referring to the number age, more like the mental age. If I’m a 30 year old mentally, she’s 90 and kicking my ass in the wisdom department.

But anyway, in my 18 years of life never have I been kissed on the lips. Hell, never on the cheek. Never been asked out, never been considered attractive to anyone who wasn’t in their 30’s and an ex-convicts (…Seriously. That’s happened to me more then once. They’re the only men who are interested in me…-SOB-)

I wanted my first kiss to be from Amanda Fucking Palmer. That way I could never regret it. That way my first kiss wouldn’t have been given to some asshole who’d leave me, or cheat on me, or anything stupid like that.

I wanted to explain it to her in a way a little more dignified then that. But instead I just said;

”I’ve never been kissed on the lips before…” She nearly laughed, smiled, and had this look of ‘Ah ha! It’s one of THOSE requests’

I felt myself flush, I couldn’t stop smiling, my embarrassment was through the roof and to make matters just damn right amazing she put her hands on my cheeks and said “Never ever?”


And she kissed me full on the lips.

It wasn’t just a peck. Oh no, this was a full out kiss. And me in my virgin bumbling had no idea what to do. After a second I couldn’t help but smile against her lips and she pulled away.

I’m not sure how the hug began, but I hugged her tightly and if I think hard enough I can recall what I said. “Now I can never regret it. Thank you so much, you have no idea how much this means to me. I’m so happy I finally got to meet you.”

It feels so surreal. It happened so fast. Suddenly all the hours of rehearsed words and imagining of conversations went straight out the door and I blurted those words out without thinking, like they were the most natural thing in the world.

The hug ended, she smiled at me this humbled and happy smile and put her hand on my cheek saying. “You’re beautiful”

It was like with that one hug she reached into my heart and just KNEW about all of my self esteem issues, about all the years I spent trying to be a tough girl and pretend that each rejection and each dirty look I got didn’t bother me.

A logical side of me says that she most likely deduced that by seeing an overweight girl who looks about 20 say she’d never been kissed.

And then I left. I had $100 bucks to buy merch, both Girl in A Coma and Dolls merch…but I didn’t. It’s not that I don’t want to support both groups, they’re both amazing. But I felt that was the right time to leave. Like my business at Granada had been concluded.

I never told her the million things I wanted to. I never even told her my name.

To everyone reading this. Please. Please go see them. Go talk to them. Hug, kiss. Love. Do it, do it do it do it. I want you all to experience that incredible joy. It feels like it’ll burst out of your chest at any moment. (Just think that scene from ALIEN, except instead of a creepy tentacle thing bursting out, it’s love, and joy, and little plastic penises. :D )

I’m so happy I could die.

Amanda, if you’re reading this? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you. I really do. If I can, and I will try my fucking best, I will see your show again.

Also, good god PLEASE come to Arizona. D:

My lips are still burning.




(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: xenjn
2010-11-22 09:06 pm (UTC)


:D :D Thank you!! You must see them live if you haven't already. It's sooo amazing!
[User Picture]From: hazel_faerie
2010-11-22 03:10 pm (UTC)


what an inspiring story!!! I love how so much magic like that happens at a Dolls show....that's a fantastic first kiss story too ;P
[User Picture]From: xenjn
2010-11-22 09:05 pm (UTC)


:D :D :D :D
[User Picture]From: kylecassidy
2010-11-22 04:34 pm (UTC)


what a lovely post to read, pure joy from beginning to end. send me your address and i'll send you some unpublished AFP prints from Who Killed Amanda Palmer.
[User Picture]From: xenjn
2010-11-22 09:02 pm (UTC)


A-Ah...O__O R-Really? OMG. I nearly had a seizure after I read your comment! Haha! THANK YOU!!! *__* I shall message you my address right now! Thank you!!
[User Picture]From: kylecassidy
2010-11-22 09:14 pm (UTC)


I think that totally proves that you should get some stuff. I'll get it out to you this week. Stay swell.
[User Picture]From: sassy_54
2010-11-22 05:32 pm (UTC)


Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!!! I, too, never truly feel myself unless I am at one of her shows. And I'm a 42-year-old woman! It is a magical place :) I'm so happy for your incredible first kiss! You're a brave woman.
[User Picture]From: xenjn
2010-11-22 09:05 pm (UTC)


:D :D She just has such an effect on people, like she draws out what you really are and agsjhgshgsjhgsjh It's the most amazing feeling EVER. Guh, I'm in love. XP
[User Picture]From: truthtruthlie
2010-11-22 10:19 pm (UTC)


SO much love. ♥
[User Picture]From: xenjn
2010-11-22 10:40 pm (UTC)


LOVE LOVE LOVE <3 <3 :D :D :D :D
[User Picture]From: lentower
2010-11-23 12:39 am (UTC)



you have nailed,
meeting amanda

thank you

the second of the two things that made me a d.dolls fan,
was watching amanda and brian greet their fans

it's the major reason,
i go to as many of their shows,
as i can
to watch them do it
[User Picture]From: lentower
2010-11-23 12:44 am (UTC)


ps: sometime in january,
d.dolls merch from the fall tour 2010 should be online
probably @

get some?
it really helps amanda and brian out.
and if you wear some of it,
you get to tell people to hear their music
and go see them

and do the google
to find
girl in a coma merch too ; - }
[User Picture]From: xenjn
2010-11-23 01:48 am (UTC)


Oh hell yes. I'd be happy to get some! I just need to save my money and I totally will :D :D :D
[User Picture]From: lentower
2010-11-23 07:18 am (UTC)


might make more sense to use the savings to go to the just announced 30dec2010 show in san diego!
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: xenjn
2010-11-23 04:55 am (UTC)


Me? No. Dallas was my first Dolls show.
[User Picture]From: lentower
2010-11-23 07:15 am (UTC)


yes, i was at nyc 2010 halloween.

was the person you thought was me with a spry 84 year old aunt with a cane that unfolded into a seat? next to/in front of a gal fan dressed up as marie antonette (white period wig, and a stunning hand-made period dress in white and black)? then you saw me in line.

we were maybe 50 people back from the front of the non-vip line.

i think i remember the two of you in front of us ; - }

(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: lentower
2010-11-23 08:13 am (UTC)


i saw nyc and both the boston shows this fall tour 2010.
they were the best i've seen in the four years,
i've been a fan

i suspect that both the paradise and roundhouse shows were in their class, but for different reasons. dvds exist of both, and you now know how to make the leap from recording to live ...
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: lentower
2010-11-23 08:46 am (UTC)


being my age,
i can indulge myself a bit easier ; - }

and we have no idea, when they will tour again
[User Picture]From: mob_psychology
2010-11-23 03:26 am (UTC)


This was such a great post to read. I know exactly what you mean about seeing Amanda in person and not being able to believe it's happening. I was there at the Granada too (stage left, towards the front). Even though I've seen Amanda twice in concert before, she's such a riveting presence that you just can't rip your eyes off her for the whole two hours. When you watch her perform it's like you're drinking in every second of it because you know it will be over soon and life will go back to being boring and non-magical.
[User Picture]From: xenjn
2010-11-23 04:57 am (UTC)


(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: xenjn
2010-11-23 04:58 am (UTC)


:D :D :D :D See her live darling. You MUST. You Musttttt. :D
[User Picture]From: bombaysapphire
2010-12-07 05:40 pm (UTC)


I know this was posted a couple weeks ago, but I had to comment. This is such a beautiful post and I'm thrilled for you that you had such an amazing experience.

The Dresden Dolls were my first and only 'real' concert I've ever attended, and it was in Tempe AZ back in April of 2006. It was a tiny venue and there were no more than 100 people or so. It was one of the most amazing nights of my life and I remember feeling almost faint when Amanda placed her hand on my shoulder as she tried to work her way through the crowd before the show.

Unfortunately I suffer from extreme agoraphobia and it was a challenge just to deal with the crowd. It was the night before Yes, Virginia was released and we were able to buy them at the merchant's table. By the time I reached Brian and Amanda to have my copy signed I was a mess and didn't manage anything past a squeaky hello and I regret that. But reading your sweet account, so full of love and wonder I feel like I was there. Thank you for sharing, I kinda love you for letting us be a part of your experience.

(Hope that doesn't come off as creepy; I'm shy and awkward even online.)
[User Picture]From: xenjn
2010-12-07 09:24 pm (UTC)


No no! It's not creepy at all! :D :D Honestly I feel like the whole experience was a dream. I catch myself forgetting that it was REAL and I was THERE and, it's just crazy and insane and amazing and <3 Thank you for commenting.

You live in AZ? We should totally be friends. <3 Dresden Dolls for LIFE :D